Thursday, September 12, 2013

3 months 'til 3

Dear Olive,

Tonight I was going through your clothes, packing away the things that have gotten too small. I do this a lot, it's nothing new. But for some reason tonight it felt so sad. There were all these clothes that used to look so huge, and now they look tiny. When did THAT happen?

There was a little pink fleece jacket we bought you once when we went out to SeaPort Village when you were a baby. We forgot to bring you a jacket and it was so cold, so of course I was grumbling that I had to buy an expensive San Diego touristy zip up for you. I bought it extra big so you'd get good use out of it. I tried it on you tonight, thinking it would still fit... hoping maybe. The sleeves did not even come close to reaching your wrists. Well, I guess that was quite a long time ago anyway. Away it went in the box.

There's so many other "baby" things you don't need anymore that I've been packing away too. The piano we were so exited to buy you that you don't play with now (until I put it in the closet of course.) Wasn't that just yesterday we stood in line on black friday for that thing? Tonight I turned your changing table into a normal dresser. I mean, it was always a dresser anyway, with a pad on top, but I thought to myself, "We really don't need this anymore, might as well put it away." The dresser looked so bare.

As I was going through the motions, I felt like you were gone, but you were right on the ground next to me playing. I guess in a way, all of what I remember you as so far, as a baby, is gone. What remains is something new, someone new, with new thoughts and words and expressions. I've always sort of felt that way about myself too. I look at baby pictures of me, and even many childhood ones, and I think, "Who was that person?" I don't remember her, I was never her... it's hard to imagine that little one year old toddling around was me. When I see baby pictures of myself I feel no connection to them at all, other than thinking how cute I looked of course. I mean, who doesn't think that way about their baby pictures? ;) But when I see them, I feel no closer to that person than I do any other stranger. I guess that's what happens to us all. You've left behind the baby you once were, in fact there's hardly any sign of her left.

There's less than three months left until you are three. Technically you won't even be considered a toddler anymore. I guess this is why I still enjoy that time at the end of the day that I've enjoyed since you were a tiny baby. Right before I put you to bed, you let me hold you as long as I want. You don't care about wriggling around, you don't even care about talking or making noise. You just be. You let me just hold you and just be. And it reminds me of the baby who used to do the same. I wonder how long you'll let me do this for. No matter how much I have to do once I leave your room, I try to stay in that moment, being with you.

Me as a flower girl. Me?

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