Friday, July 15, 2011

Forward or Back?

Dear Olive,

You're wiping me out. But at the same time, I am already really missing your sweet newborn ways and I can see why people keep having more babies, even when they're exhausted.

We've been taking a nightly bath together since you were in your tiny first months. It was one of my favorite times because we'd both relax and be in the moment, just lounging in the water. You'd lay on my lap and just look around and totally chill out. I feel like that was a really good time for bonding.

Over the past few weeks you've become less and less interested in breastfeeding. It all started when I had a few meetings and Granmakins had to feed you formula while I was away. I didn't pump and that's all it took for my milk to start going away. It's kind of sad because things were going so well and I was not pumping or stressed, just feeding you and it was easy.

Since then though, it's been a struggle and I've been feeding you less and less as you are totally disinterested after seconds of latching on. It's either lack of milk or your preference for looking around (the busy body you are) and your HUGE love of finger foods. Either way, I think my days of breastfeeding you are over.

Tonight we took our nightly bath and it's just getting harder to keep you happy in there. You don't want to relax anymore, you want to be all over the place playing and splashing and I feel kind of sad because that was our special time and now that I'm not breastfeeding I am feeling some weird sadness. I know you're just growing up and becoming more independent, but so soon already?

It's so funny we yearn for these moments amidst the chaos- we can't wait for you to be able to sit up and play on your own so you're happy, or even sometimes I think about when you will be in school and I can catch a second to myself ;) but it really breaks my heart to think about how fast you're growing up and reminds me again to be in the moment.

I was so in the moment when you were littler, cherishing your sweetness, then things started getting crazy and I've become a little more tired. You are testing me, crying whenever I walk into sight, crying whenever I turn away from you. You are also still getting stuck sitting up in your crib and that's becoming a problem of its own.

Buuuuut when all is said and done, you're just too cute even as I run around picking up rice puffs with the bottoms of my feet or swatting you away from chewing on my cell phone. You are just on the constant move, rolling this way or that, scooting, shuffling, you just can't stay still.

I do believe, the only constant in raising a child is change. You just keep changing. Things just keep changing. As soon as I've figured you out, you change.

Your dad and I say we can't wait until you understand how to lay and cuddle and watch a movie (especially those times we are just plain tired) but then again I stop myself and say, "No... just enjoy this stage."

You're just being you.

Oh by the way, you prefer feeding yourself, but there's not a lot I can give you safely yet. I decided to let you get messy and eat some cottage cheese. That was a little TOO messy, but at least you had fun.

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